there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
