Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
