I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
