She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
