I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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