I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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