I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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