new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
