I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
