Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i've created a new STD.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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