My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
