there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize