she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
