I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
