Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
