You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
