did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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