I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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