my shit smells like andre
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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