If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
