My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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