this beer tastes like vomit already
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
