Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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