got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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