not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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