did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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