he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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