My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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