hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He better not be in your backpack
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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