It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just high enough for therapy.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize