When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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