On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
