I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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