My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
