Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
