The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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