T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
