I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
