you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
