I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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