yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
