He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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