Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
