I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
