if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
