Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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