Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
