I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
