you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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