Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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