At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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