Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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