She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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