My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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