It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
