She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
