I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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