I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize