you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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