I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
