Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
