The best revenge is premature balding
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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