I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
